Critique wanted, like everyone wants. 
It isn't very long, because I only spent a little time on it, the next input will be longer.
Chapter 1: Dynecus
Dynecus ran down the wet street, rain pelting down, his shoes slapping against the brick road. He looked behind his shoulder, his common sense cursing himself but curiosity overruling.
He could barely see them, which didn't mean much due to the heavy fog. They seemed to be maybe a quarter of a mile away, but they were on horseback, he on foot, and it was only for sake of the winding twisting paths there had been earlier that they had not caught him already.
Gorrath! It used to be a name that people would speak, and wish they could live there. Now, what few that could outwit the Guard of the Passage had long gone, off to better places, but though he was just as cunning, luck had a part in it too, and of that, Dynecus was lacking.
He was trapped, trapped in a road with no dead end, yet sure capture, and trapped in a land dictated by evil. And there was nowhere to hide, for all the people that lived here were not tough enough to rebel, and had submitted to Agarons' rule.
If only Hor hadn't died, he wouldn't turn Dynecus down. But there was no more activity there, just an abandoned inn, with heavy termite damage at this point, most likely. He was nearing the place- What? That was impossible. The place hadn't collapsed, a light was flickering through the window... and... smoke was rising from both chimneys, the fireplace and the oven.
He wondered if perhaps someone else had taken over. Or maybe somehow, Hor had survived that terrifying night. He looked behind him. The pursuers were nearly at him. He looked back at the inn, and one more time at the horses and men. Sighing, he ran to the inn, deciding it was better to take his chances with a undead man, rather than with three Guards.
End of chapter
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Thanks! Other people have pointed this out on another forum I posted this on, I'll probably edit in spaces along with posting a new chapter, which should happen soon!
Rather brief for a chapter, but, yes, it was good. It now leaves me to curious as to what will happen next.
Only one thing: There could be spaces between each piece of dialogue, I got somewhat confused whilst reading the second part.
Anyhow, great stuff, keep it up!
Teigan x
Chapter 2: Aello (ay-lo)
Aello took the steaming loaves of bread out of the large oven, her experienced hands sliding the oval shapes off the pan and into a basket lined with white cloth, filled with other goods like it.
She stopped for a moment to adjust the position of the basket on the counter she was behind, to make it easier for someone to take one, as long as they had paid for rooms, and thus increasing business.
Aello then called into another room, (a curtain protecting its privacy) "Miles! Heat up some water and put it in a bottle, room fives' arthritis will be acting up with all the rain and humidity." Miles, her assistant, called back affirmative words, and she heard water being poured into a pot, the clang of the pot being put on the stove, then the strike of a match, as he lit the stove. She stretched and yawned, for the hours were late, but there was still work to be done. However, she was very tired, and as such she allowed herself to sit in a nice, soft chair.
Suddenly, when she was about to drift off to sleep, there was a sharp knock on the door. Then another. And another. Whoever it was was clearly in a great hurry, for just as suddenly as the person had started knocking, he or she started to pound at the door, banging and banging. She eased herself out of the chair reluctantly, went out from behind the counter, and went to the door to open it.
She grasped the cold metal of the doorknob, twisted it, and pulled. Then gasped. It was Dynecus. "D- Dyne? What on earth are you doing here? I thought you had escaped!" He was an old friend of her father's, and had always had some business or other with him, something to do with politics. He had never actually seen her long enough to do anything besides introduce each other, and when her father had died, he had stopped his visits, and supposedly gotten past the Guard of the Passage.
Now he was arriving here, all of sudden, in the middle of a rainstorm, and it appeared obvious he didn't just want a room. "What the-" Dynecus said, obviously surprised. "Who's that?" A pause, and then he said, "Aello? What are you doing her-" He looked behind his shoulder, and said more urgently, "Do you think we can get rooms here?" "I- um-" He had helped them out in dark times, but it was obvious it would be dangerous to let him in, as Aello doubted his dagger, sheathed in his belt, was for show. But it seemed like someone would die if she didn't...
"Fine. But no weapons. Those need to be handed over to me." She held out her hand expectantly. "All right. Good." He looked behind his shoulder once more, then shouted at her, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I CAN'T GET A ROOM!" He then shouted a lengthy line of expletives, then ran farther down the road, to jump into some bushes over a steep incline and go out of sight. She shut the door, wondering if it was some sort of prank, or if he had gone insane.
Mere moments later, horses' hooves pounded down the cobblestones of the road, halting at the point where Dynecus had made his leap. Men got off, heavily armed, and prepared to jump, themselves. Without warning, though looking back, Aello would wonder why she hadn't seen it coming, the back door, which she only used on occasion when she was attempting to sneak out without waking any of the guests, burst open. It was Dynecus, panting heavily and slightly scratched up.
He tried to come in, but was denied access by Aello. "What on earth are you joking about! First you swear at me after I give you a room, now this! You can't come in through here!" "Au contraire," he said smoothly, "in fact your father will be rather pleased to know I entered this way." "He's dead." "I thought so! But then, who's running this?"
While saying this, he crawled nimbly under her legs and went to sit on the staircase. "I am." "What? You mean to say no one is looking after you!?" "I'm twenty!" she protested. "What? Oh. Anyway, here." He willingly gave up his dagger, as well as a few pieces of gold. She stared in shock, then said, "Our rooms don't cost that much." "A few extra to keep my secret, eh?" His eyes twinkled. "You're a rebel?" "Exactly." "Which means I'll probably get killed if I keep you here." "No, not particularly." "You murder innocents for food and gold." "Lies!" His expression darkened. "The only ones we kill are those whom are evil, and those whom attack us. Those were Guards! Guards from Agaron's highest, sent for my hide, flayed and burnt!" "Either way, you can't-" "Give me a room and you get another piece of gold."
He snatched a loaf of bread out of the basket. "Hey! That's only for our guests!" "And thus..." he said through a mouthful of bread. "Fine." Aello grudgingly said. "But don't expect me to keep any secrets." "Aha! I thought we might hit that snag! Keep my secret, and I shall give you..." he said, taking something out of a bag, "this." It was a shiny lump of something that seemed to be porcelain, with a whisk-like thing protruding from it, and a switch. He flicked the switch, and the whisk began to spin around and around, so fast it became a blur. "What- what is it?" Aello said, more drawn to this magical item than all the gold in the world. "I don't know." Dynecus said, flicking the switch again and turning it off. "What is it made to do?" "Couldn't tell you that either. But I can tell you this. Sure would make mixing the batter easier, wouldn't it?"
A long pause, and Aello heard barked commands coming ever closer. "All right, all right. But they're going to search the rooms!" "Leave that to me. What room?" "Room seven is available." "How many rooms do you have?" "Forty." "Make it room thirty-five, then. I don't want to be last on the list when they search, but I don't want to be anywhere near first. She went behind the counter, and retrieved the proper key, handing it to Dynecus, who took another loaf of bread, and disappeared up the stairs.
Of course, Miles chose this time to appear with the hot water bottle. Aello directed him to room five, then sat down, wearier than ever. Tomorrow was going to be exhausting.
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P.S. I know, I know, cliche. It'll get... less cliche-y in the next chapters, and it's part of the reason I started writing this story, I had always wondered what on earth happened to them after they went to defeat the Guard or whatever, the writer always ended it there.
Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks for the advice!
One sentence that stuck out and seemed out of place was "with heavy termite damage at this point, most likely." It doesn't strike me that Dynecus, fleeing his captors, would think of something so obscure like that.
There are a few places where words seemed unneeded, such as:
But I'll leave that up to you.
Otherwise, it was good, and leaves me interested in what is going to occur next. I think if you spent some more time on it you would be able to make it pretty good.
Keep it up.[/quote]
Chapter 2: Aello (ay-lo)
Aello took the steaming loaves of bread out of the large oven, her experienced hands sliding the oval shapes off the pan and into a basket lined with white cloth, filled with other goods like it.
She stopped for a moment to adjust the position of the basket on the counter she was behind, to make it easier for someone to take one, as long as they had paid for rooms, and thus increasing business.
She then called into another room, a curtain protecting its privacy, "Miles! Heat up some water and put it in a bottle, room fives' arthritis will be acting up." Miles, her assistant, called back affirmative words, and she heard water being poured into a pot, the clang of the pot being put on the stove, then the strike of a match, as he lit the stove.
She stretched and yawned, for the hours were late, but there was still work to be done.
Thanks! More will probably come in maybe a couple of days.
That was pretty good. Well, first of all, I have something I'd like to say. ONE: I like how the "section" doesn't give to much information about anything. You know he's running, supposedly, chasing after something. A horse drawn carriage? (no, my bad, sorry. it's people on horses...) Well, you know that. And he feels scared? And someone's/people are chasing him? see, I quickly read over it a couple of times, so I might not have picked up all of it. but from what I did read, I'm sort of confused. but I really like how there wasn't too much information and you're counting on the next "part" to read and understand what the 1st part was about. don't get me wrong. there's a balance there. lack of information but in a good way and bad.
just make sure you give enough detail that atleast some more inferences can be made. Sure, you can take a guess but it isn't valid because you can't back up what you say with the context. see what I mean?
great work though. i really want to read more and see what happens? It's so suppenseful and catchy!
di-nuh-kiss. (heh, i'm a geek. i even remember to show the syllable to stress.
)
I like it so far. It's rather brief for a chapter, and that's my only complaint.
How do you pronounce this guy's name? "Dine-cuss" or "Dine-suss"?